Chuck Norris

Now that's funny.
Hope he was a MK-82 Chuck. LOL.

Someone.. please.. let this post die.

You can't kill chuck... or threads about chuck...

300+ posts. Impressive.

that is awesome!

Chuck Norris uses WD40 instead of KY jelly.

No no, he uses sandpaper.

I disagree with both of you, he doesn't need lubrication.

Chuck Norris invented the internet... so he could store all of his porn. When Al Gore claimed he invented the internet, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face.

There is no sexual oraphis capable of withstanding Chucks sexual capabilities.

Chuck Norris once used a Urinal next to Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy cried when he looked over to see what Chuck was packing.

Chuck Norris's penis is so powerful that he can cut down trees with the urine stream.

Not sure if this is a repost, but since we're talking about Chuck's wang...

Chuck Norris walked down the street with a boner. There were no survivors.

There is no ruler or tape measure capable of measuring the size of Chuck Norris' penis.

Chuck Norris is so virile, he impregnated a man just by shaking his hand. That story was later turned into a documentary starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And my favorite:
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies, he potato sacks them.

Here's something

Click to see Video

That is some funny sh!t. I wonder what he actually thinks about this stuff.

(Waiting for roundhouse kick to head for daring to wonder what Chuck Norris thinks).

Ok... so somewhere aroung 0330 (Central time), as I was channel surfing whilst on watch, I came across Chuck Norris's cartoon on Cartoon Network. I was somehow drawn to watch...

At first, I was like "Wow... whoever drew Chuck did a really good job.." Then I remembered... it is blasphemous to produce a likeness of His Chuckness... What had really happened was that Chuck Norris willed himself and the cast to become animated, and they just acted the show out.

Chuck's animated roundhouse kicks ar everybit as deadly as his real life roundhouse kicks.

What would happen if Mr. T pitied a fool, and His Chuckness roundhouse kicked the fool in the face at the same time?

The universe would explode from all that badassitude at one moment in time.

I remember this show. With the main villain SUPERNINJA!!! What an original name for a villain. Kudos to the "writers" for their stupendous creativity.

Some More. . . . .

44. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days.

45. Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.

46. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

47. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

48. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

49. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He
has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.

52. Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

53. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight
in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.

71. Chuck Norris ended the last Ice Age with one large explosive flatulence. He has since been cited by several scientists to be the leading cause of Global Warming.

*72. Chuck Norris once had a cough; it caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

*73. Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson's children.

*74. There were originally 11 commandments, but Chuck Norris didn't like the last one.

*75. The Hulk turns back into Bruce Banner when he sees Chuck Norris.

*76. God did not orginally create man with facial hair, Chuck Norris simply willed it.

*77. The Hulk is one of Chuck Norris's boogers.

*78. Chuck Norris is sitting on a couch with a girl. She says "let’s go have a little fun if ya know what I mean". He says, “all right, what’s your favorite position?” She says, “surprise me”…..He roundhouse kicks her in the face and she hits the floor unconscious. Chuck says, “Spread Eagle.”

79. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

80. Anacondas aren't actually snakes but are in fact Chuck Norris sperm cells

81. Chuck Norris eats fear and craps golden statues of himself

82. The reason Zeus and Odin both have beards is because they are both indeed Chuck Norris

83. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the dodo into extinction

84. When asked about the missing nose of the sphinx Chuck Norris replied "My roundhouse kicks do good work"

85. Chuck Norris once had a hemorrhoid. These two words got rid of it : Roundhouse and kick

88. Chuck Norris Is Gods apology for the Holocaust

89. Chuck Norris Also Played The Black Guy in Walker Texas Ranger

90. If You Have 5 Dollars And Chuck Norris Has 5 Dollars... Chuck Norris Has More Money Than You

94. Chuck Norris is What Willis Was Talking About

95. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

96. If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS

97. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

98. Chuck Norris found some English *******s telling jokes about him. He proceded to wait three years, storing all his roundhouse kinetic energy. The blast from the kick disrupted the balance of nature, slowly killing half of Europe. We today know it as the Black Plague

99. Chuck Norris is the reason there is no Santa

100. Near the end of World War II, Chuck Norris was drinking in a bar in Hiroshima when someone accidentally spilled a drop of beer on one of his cowboy boots. Moments later, everything within several miles was instantly vaporized.

101. If your train leaves the station in Chicago at 3p.m. heading to New York at 50 miles per hour, and Chuck Norris begins at that same time to run from New York to Chicago on the same track going 20 miles per hour, how many miles away from your destination does your train experience a roundhouse kick-induced derailment?

108. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.


109. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

119. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

126. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

127. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

128. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

141. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

157. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

158. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

180. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

181. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

182. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will **** you up.

183. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

184. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

185. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

193. Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.

194. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

208. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

209. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.

208. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

209. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Theres an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating.

For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Read the fourth paragraph.

http://www.tmahof.com/HallOfFame/members/allensteen.html

No, No, Noooooooo

:icon_rage Blasphemer!!!:icon_rage

If Chuck Norris "lost," which I'm pretty sure he didn't, it was because he wanted it that way, so that he could fool others into fighting him.

Chuck Norris never loses!!!!!

Chuck Norris has never lost. Once, in a 1966 battle with Allen Steen, Chuck Norris ripped Steen's soul from it's body, and placed it into his own body while himself occupying Steen's carcass. Chuck Norris then proceeded to kick his own ass just to say that he did it. Only Chuck Norris can defeat Chuck Norris.


Problem solved.

That site is a hoax. Besides, everyone knows that Bill Brasky actually is the only one who has ever tied with Chuck Norris.

Tie?! Tie?! Chuck Norris does not tie, sir.